Craptallica has just released their most craptacular album to date.
Metallica has been dead for years. Sometime after their late 80’s epic …And Justice For All, the members of Metallica took their epic metal noodlings out behind the woodshed and shot them dead. Then they came back into the studio, and wrote an album of interstital music for sporting events. That album made them unfathomably rich, and Craptallica was born.
Craptallica has gone on to release several more albums that were barely worth downloading. Their idiot drummer flew into rage at their fan base for stealing. Then their idiot leader went into rehab, and they made an movie that played like an epic two and a half hour therapy session. The album, and its “anger from a positive place” , all but vanished.
In the face of epic failure, they hired uber-guru Rick Rubin to produce a “comeback” album; which is a misnomer, since Craptallica hasn’t succeeded at anything, they have no place to “come back” from. Mr. Rubin encouraged the band to get back to their roots, and Craptallica happily complied.
That album is Death Magnetic, and it’s positively craptastic. From the get-go, it simply sounds horrible. Numerous audio engineers complain that the album is overly compressed, giving it a high, thin tone. It sounds like you’re listening through an empty can of soda. The low end of the audio spectrum has a spectral presence at best. The airy whump of the drums doesn’t move a thing, and provides a vaporous foundation for the rest of the music. Similarly, Kirk Hammett’s guitar soloing has never been weaker. Even with a full stomp of wah-wah pedal, there’s no bite behind it.
After multiple listens, the songs simply fail to make an impression. They’re weightless grab-bags of guitar riffs, tied together seemingly at random. Hetfield’s lyrics have the authenticity of a Prada bag in a Chinatown market. The only thing that sticks to Death Magnetic is boredom.
The root of the problem isn’t just Metallica, it’s our culture as a whole. We’re a culture of zombies, refusing to let anything die. Metallica shouldn’t have existed beyond 1990. If they stopped at the ‘black’ album, few people would begrudged their cashing in on their legacy. But everything beyond that is reprehensible, and should never have existed.
The things that fuelled Metallica’s greatness in the early albums died with the success of the ‘black’ album. Alcohol fuelled twenty-one year olds with anger issues are primed for crafting angry music. Forty year olds who are wealthier than Croesus cannot do it. Until we are culturally primed to accept death with dignity, we’re going to be stuck with these endless, pointless retreads.
“The root of the problem isn’t just Metallica, it’s our culture as a whole. We’re a culture of zombies, refusing to let anything die. Metallica shouldn’t have existed beyond 1990.”
Thank you! Even the black album smelt of death as far as I’m concerned.
And you are totally right. Your statement applies to so many bands. And the endless stream of worthless movie remakes we’ve been served in the the last ten years.
America’s great past time for the past twenty or thirty years has been finding cash cows and milking them to destruction. This sounds familiar. Almost like something we’re doing to, what’s it called, everything else in America?
This album is even worse than St. Anger…. it’s so dead flat like a stale fish. It STINKS! I am listening it now and there is not even one song that gives you positive goosebumps… it’s just washed out. Reviews give it 5 stars i barely give it 2 because of their willingness to not go to deserved pension.
If you don’t like it why have you gone to all of the effort of writeing a 500 word article about it!?
If you don’t like it then just shut the fuck up and let the real fans listen to it and keep your bitchy, whiny comments to your self.
deathmagnetic is the damn close to their best ever!!!!!
Hehe, Yatzee, I guess fans will be fans… You remind me of a child keeping a teddybear in your arms starring at rapists… be open minded and accept the fact that not everyone like this album, especially after all the musical failures they’ve accomplished in almost 20 years now.
Also, on another note, I don’t think cash is the issue here… they’ve made enough as it is (and still are, with shows and fests)… I think its more a “let’s do it again” thing…. if only they understood… I can picture Lars Ulrich looking at his carrer of the past twenty years and grin over Metallica’s false success thinking “we’re doing okay, aren’t we ?!”
Yeah, right.
Their shows can be “okay” I guess, they’ve kept their ‘live’ spirit but studio-wise, they might consider getting a boose-boost of inspiration…
Sobriety is one of the problems, especially in the Rock n’ roll world.
you people must hate your own mothers. How in the world can you diss DM when it’s above and beyond ANYTHING out there.
Might be their best album ever.
Awesome sound, fuck you crybaby engineer haters, it sounds awesome on ALL my sound systems.
Awesome, deep, dark lyrics, …
KEEP IT GOING BOYZ!!!
Give us 2 more like DM b4 you’re done!
St. Anger grows on you after a while. it sounds nothing like metallica, but the songs do each have a uniqueness too then behind the tin-can drumming. DM, however, has 10 songs which all song the same, as well has having no tune. However, I will say that the Day that Never Comes and the Unforgiven III rock
This album ain’t that bad actually, not saying it’s outstanding by any means, it’s just ok.
Saying that it’s their worst album is just plain stupid, St Anger might have a word with you there.